


Harrykins

by neymovirne



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 2: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Fluff, Gen, Harry likes his name as it is, Humor, Pre-Severitus (if you squint), The twins being twins, crackish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:53:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26305897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neymovirne/pseuds/neymovirne
Summary: No matter what path Harry will choose in life, his friends will be there to keep him from forgetting his true self. A conversation set a few days after the Duelling Club incident.
Relationships: Harry Potter & Fred Weasley & George Weasley
Comments: 7
Kudos: 76





	Harrykins

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my amazing friend and beta [Sadsnail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sadsnail), who writes the Weasley kids best.
> 
> Loosely inspired by Scott Walker's version of "Jackie".

"Peons! Give way to Harrykins, the true heir of Slytherin!" George announced, marching before Harry as they left the Great Hall. Following closely behind, Fred was blowing into a cheap plastic trumpet he had transfigured from his quill. The emerging sounds could well be produced by a mad duck—the main reason why Professor McGonagall, who was watching them from the staff table, would dock points from his homework assignment the next day.

The crowd parted, Justin Finch-Fletchly ducking behind the Hufflepuff's handsome fifth-year prefect. Fred blew his trumpet into the prefect’s face. "Behold the true heir, Diggory!"

"Lay off, Fred." Harry winced. After the parseltongue incident, he had learned that the black-and-yellow crowd could be really vicious. Hostility from the Hufflepuffs in his year was quite enough; he did not want to attract the attention of the upper years.

"Maybe Diggory is the real heir," George mused. “Nobody ever suspects a badger.”

"Maybe it’s Lockhart," Fred said. "Playing a double game. We might think we cracked him, and he’s just a fraud trying to fool everybody into believing he’s a hero—”

“When in fact, he’s a cunning mastermind pretending to be a fraud pretending to be a hero!”

“My mind is spinning from the depths of his villainy, brother mine!”

“You-Know-Who might be scary and powerful, but there’s one power he knows not,” George proclaimed.

“Being cute in a doxy-brained way!”

That earned the twins a look from Professor Dumbledore, who was walking past them, his long flowy beard tucked under the belt of his lilac robes. His steps faltered, expression pensive.

"Professor Lockhart—" Hermione started crossly from Harry's side before closing her mouth. After his duelling club performance, even she couldn't defend Lockhart anymore.

Behind her back, Ron mimed retching.

They reached the Gryffindor tower without a single tripping hex in Harry's direction, and he had never been more grateful to the twins for their tomfoolery.

"So, Harrykins—" George started.

But even Harry's gratitude had its limits. "Can you stop calling me that?" he asked, flopping down on their usual sofa in front of the fireplace, between Ron and Hermione.

"Aww, do you hear that, Freddie? The baby heir has his nose in the air!" George said in a sing-song voice.

Fred perched on the armrest of their sofa. "The time will come when you are thankful to us for this name, Harrykins."

"Really."

"We understand your scepticism," George said gravely, taking the other armrest. "But think for a minute. When you grow up into a proper Dark Lord—"

"Oh, so I'm becoming a Dark Lord now?"

"Of course you are, Harry, do keep up," Fred picked up. "When you're a proper Dark Lord and have taken over Britain—"

"Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here,” George said.

"When you have taken over Hogwarts, Hogsmeade’s Honeydukes and razed Gambol and Japes to the ground with Fiendfyre—"

“Gambol and Japes?” Harry asked.

“Joke shop in Diagon Alley,” Ron explained.

"—you might decide, after eating too many Cockroach Clusters one day, that your right-hand man Ronald”—Fred made a face—“whom you made the Headmaster of Hogwarts while you were making nefarious plans to defeat your arch-nemesis, Lockhart—”

“Why is _Ron_ the Headmaster?” Hermione interrupted peevishly.

Fred looked at her assessingly. “Good question, Hermione. Clearly, an oversight on our Harry’s behalf. Anyway,” he continued. “You, Harrykins, might decide that Ron’s been spying on you for your enemies and that you now need to feed him to your giant snake—”

“What?!” Ron exclaimed, while Hermione got a disturbingly satisfied look on her face.

"My giant snake," Harry repeated.

"Well, what else is the Slytherin monster supposed to be? A giant badger?" George asked.

In the armchair nearby, Ginny raised her head from the notebook she was scribbling in, and looked between them with a calculating expression that Harry had never seen on her face before. He caught her stare, and she hastily looked down.

“However!” Fred raised his index finger. "Even though Ronniekins is an annoying pest, we can’t allow him to be eaten by the snake monster, can we?”

“Mum would skin us alive, and I’m sorry, Dark Lord Hadrian, but she’s so much scarier than you.”

“Dark Lord Hadrian?”

“Dark Lord Hadrian the Third.” Fred nodded. “So at the last moment, we will say to you, 'Remember the time when we called you Harrykins, my Lord?'"

"And you'll cry, give us two a hug and retire from your career of evil to grow singing cabbages," George added.

"And that would be your ultimate act of villainy." Fred shuddered. "Because the Slytherin monster might petrify its victims, but singing cabbages would make them beg to be petrified."

"Harry would never want to be a Dark Lord," Ron said, rummaging in his bag. With a victorious cry, he produced a chocolate frog and unwrapped it.

"Well, then he'd simply become a Lord," George said, catching the frog mid-leap and sending it to his mouth.

"Oi!"

"Yes, I understand your indignation, my wee brother.” He made a show of enjoying the chocolate. “Lord Hadrian Potter-Slytherin."

"Potter-Slytherin-Gryffindor," Fred added.

"Potter-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Merlin."

"Wizarding Britain doesn't have an aristocracy," Hermione said. "And you cannot just claim names like that, that's not how it works."

"Well, our Hadrian will find a way to make it happen, I'm sure." George waved his hand carelessly. "He’ll, erm…"

“Woo the grandmother of that fluffy classmate of yours,” Fred supplied. “She’s a bigwig in the Wizengamot, Dad says. Rumour has it that she keeps Merlin’s lost emerald inside her vulture hat. A widow,” he added meaningfully.

“A vulture hat?” Harry asked, bemused. “And what does it matter that she’s a widow?”

Hermione sent both twins warning looks.

“You’ll understand everything in due time, my boy,” George said in a passable Dumbledore impression.

In the distance, Harry noticed Ginny frowning. He knew she liked him from reading those ridiculous books about his adventures before Hogwarts—if only!—but could she seriously be jealous of Neville’s grandma?

“And just as your head grows bigger than Percy's could ever be, and nobody can stand you anymore, we'll come find you, sitting on bags of gold in your manor, and remind you—" He paused and gestured at his brother to continue.

"How once you were just Harrykins: maybe down on your luck, but with your friends by your side." Fred patted imaginary tears from his eyes.

"You make me sound like a Malfoy," Harry said. "Also, Hadrian? I like my name as it is."

"Fine, fine, Harry stays. But you never know when you have to change your last name, do you?"

"And why would I do that, Fred?"

"Maybe you’ll get adopted!"

"This is actually not a bad suggestion, what with those bars on the windows," Ron muttered.

The twins nodded, serious for a moment, and that made Harry squirm, truly uncomfortable for the first time. He didn't want their pity.

"It's decided, then," George said brightly. "You're getting adopted." He paused. "By Snape."

"What?!" Harry swivelled his head towards him, forgetting his gloomy thoughts. "Why Snape?"

"Yes, George, now that's going too far," Ron said.

George cuffed him across his head. "It can only be Snape," he insisted. "We know that deep down, the sod has a heart of gold."

Even Hermione looked dubious at that.

"Very deep down. Besides, if he has his hands full with you, he won't have time to patrol the halls—"

"And check on disused labs," Fred added.

"And check on certain disused labs. What's more, as his son, you will have access to a lot of ingredients that inventors of joke products and starting entrepreneurs very much need. Just look at him pitifully with your big green eyes, and Daddy Severus won't be able to deny you anything!"

"Daddy Severus!" Ron guffawed.

"Seriously, Georgie, we need to make it happen," Fred said over Ron's head.

Harry did not at all like the glint in George's eyes. That glint promised him weeks of cleaning cauldrons and chopping slugs in detentions. Although, if Harry was completely honest with himself, even Snape sounded better than the Dursleys.

"But be careful!" Fred wagged his finger at him. "Becoming Harry Snape has its downsides too."

"Oh? And what are those?"

"You might suddenly develop an aversion to certain things."

"For example, any colour other than black," George elaborated. "And shampoo."

"And that's when we'll come to you and stage an intervention. 'Harrykins,' we'll say—"

"Wait, stop." Hermione sat up.

"What? Are we insufficiently respectful?"

"No, no, Fred. Well, yes, but it doesn't matter. The Slytherin Monster! A giant snake! Petrifications! Of course! I need to go to the library!" She shouted the last words over her shoulder, rushing to the exit.

The twins exchanged confused looks.

"Well, that's decided, then," Fred said, watching the portrait slide in place. "The future position of Dark Lord—"

"Lady," George corrected.

"—Dark Lady is already taken. And I think we can all agree that you’d better leave seducing your friend’s grandma to professionals like Lockhart. Adoption by Snape it is, dear Harrykins. Adoption by Snape it is."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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